Monday, November 24, 2014

Martine

I dated a man last year for few months, and eventually we got in a relationship, but we broke up a day after our 2nd monthsary. After 6 months we got back together, and few days, or was it a week, and some days after our 1st monthsary that we broke up again.

I removed his numbers, all the photos, messages, and audio recordings. I untagged several status, erased message thread, photos, clicked unfollow and even deactivated my facebook account for some time.

But who am I kidding? His number is in my head, somewhere in the pages of my diary, photos were sent in my email and hidden in my phone. I regret erasing the messages and especially the viber conversation. I did unfollow him, but we are still friends, and friends with his friends, sister, cousins, and checking his page is far from something difficult to do.

I want to forget but almost everyone reminds me of him, from my workplace where he once worked to my friends. His cousin is also the partner of my friend, not just a friend but one of my closest. Funny how my social circle is entangled with his.

I tried to avoid the songs that would remind me of him, but All of Me is being played everywhere. Say Something is the main soundtrack of the film I love, and Flying Without Wings haunt me.

How can I forget?
Do I really want to forget?

Every 7th of the month, I remember you.
Every single day I remember us.
How can I forget?

I have faith in God. Things happen for a reason. Something good would happen from our situation. Is it already happening?

How can I forget?
Some days I am thinking that you were not good enough for me. But also some days I think I was not good enough for you. Now, I think it was the timing that wasn't right.

I have a lot of questions.
Why, what happened, a series of questions that I did not ask you after you did not answer the first time I tried to make sense of it all. But you  actually tried to explain, but pride already got in the way, and I let you go. I wasn't ready back then, I was hurt, and was still in denial to hear your explantion, but you did not insist, and you let go.

I want to forget.
But how can I forget?

Things might be different if we already built our lives years ago. If we met when we're both successful in our careers, and financially stable. If we are not immature, if we aren't fickle minded. If we engaged our families to our relationship. If we are honest to each other. If pride does not exist. If we really take time to know each other.
If we are really decided to be together.

I really want to forget, but I can't forget you.
Maybe not now, maybe in the future.
But how can I forget? I like to get over you in a week, but maybe it would take me months, and hopefully not years.

But then again, how can I forget?

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